The final cut of Dead Camper Lake comes in at around 100 minutes, but that took a lot of cutting. The DVD has a branching version that includes a bunch of cut scenes, but there’s one scene that nobody’s ever seen before. Sadly, it never made it past the script stage. Of course, I’m talking about Duamerthrax the Indestructible’s big song and dance number.
No, that’s not a joke.
The Demon Hunters credit sequence proved that Thrax had some sweet moves. He was all set to show us he had a set of pipes to back them up.
Picture the scene. Herr Doktor has just plunged a dagger into Chris’ chest, resurrecting the Earthwalker and binding him to Ichabod’s command with virgin blood…
ICHABOD thrusts out his pentagram. ICHABOD This. See this? This talisman binds you to my will. Look it over. I’m sure you know how it works. DUAMERTHRAX examines the talisman from a distance, and grimaces. DUAMERTHRAX It is so. I will obey -- master. ICHABOD I think a little demonstration is due. DUAMERTHRAX What? ICHABOD I command you to sing “I’d Rather Just Dance.” DUAMERTHRAX (enraged) Wretched mortal! I will suck the marrow from your bones! ICHABOD Do it! DUAMERTHRAX snarls viciously at ICHABOD, and the music begins to play. The moment DUAMERTHRAX starts singing, though, all traces of anger and rage are gone. DUAMERTHRAX (singing) Yeah, it’s great to be a demon. I do my job real well. Anybody’d want to be one, An employee down in Hell. I used to love to torture mortals Full of anger, hate, and mirth, Till one day I found a portal That took me up to Earth. As I walked through crowded cities, Places I had never been, I saw the most amazing sights That I had ever seen. When music started playing, The people start to move. And, man, I tell you something, You should see those people groove! Well, when I saw those people dancing, A change came over me. No, I don’t want to torture! I don’t want to kill! I know just what I want to be! CHORUS: I don’t want to do the demon thing, Since I learned how to do the West Coast Swing. I don’t want to live down where it’s hot, Since I learned how to do that funky foxtrot. I don’t want to work for Satan and bust my balsa, Since I learned meringue, cha cha, and salsa! I know it’s unexpected. I know it’s a chance, But I don’t want to be a demon. I’d rather just dance! At the end of the verse, DUAMERTHRAX summons darkness from the ground, which quickly swirls around him. When the cloud vanishes, just in time for the second verse, DUAMERTHRAX is no longer wearing the spiked armor. Instead, he’s dressed in swing pants, two tone shoes, suspenders, a white button up shirt, and a black fedora. DUAMERTHRAX launches into the second verse. DUAMERTHRAX (singing) The other demons can’t believe that I’ve become a dancing duke. They watch me while I cut the rug. It makes them want to puke. Well, I feel sorry for them. They’re so crude, and crass, and rough. They don’t know how much fun it is To strut your funky stuff! CHORUS: I don’t want to have to listen to Satan’s crap Since I took me some lessons and learned to tap. He’s gonna have to take it with a grain of salt, That I’m the only demon who’s learned to waltz. I think it’s pretty funny, and it hurts his pride, That Satan never learned to electric slide. In my fedora, and suspenders, and swing kid pants, I don’t want to be a demon. I’d rather just dance! At this point, there is a long instrumental section. DUAMERTHRAX throws out his arm, and HELLBABE, a female demon wearing a swing dress, comes out of nowhere into his arms. They swing expertly for the rest of the instrumental. At the end of the section, DUAMERTHRAX grabs HELLBABE by the neck and breaks her neck. She collapses dead out of the frame. We never see or hear from her again. DUAMERTHRAX picks up the song as if nothing happened. DUAMERTHRAX (singing) Without a doubt, it’s unconventional For a demon to be so sensational. But if you think my dancing is uncommendable, Remember, bitch, that your life is endable. Well, I’ve been out for several years, I don’t miss my old job. ‘Cause there’s no room way down in Hell To twist, and weave, and bob. You might see me at a club, Coming through the door. And hey, don’t fear my demon-ness. I’m here to hit the floor. CHORUS: Believe it that I’m genuine; I’m not at all scheming. What you see before you is a true dancing demon. I’ve learned a lot of dances, and I think it’s my duty, To get on the dance floor, and show off my booty. I’m the king of the jive, and the prince of the bop, ‘Cause once you get me started, I don’t ever want to stop. Remember my story, as I strike my last stance: I don’t want to be a demon. I’d rather just dance! At the end of the dance, DUAMERTHRAX strikes a grand swing pose. Then darkness swirls over him, and the swing suit is gone, replaced by the spiked armor. DUAMERTHRAX’s smile is also gone, replaced with a murderous stare. SAM HELL, HERR DOKTOR, and ICHABOD are laughing. ANGEL looks extremely uncomfortable. DUAMERTHRAX looks extremely pissed. CHRIS looks extremely dead. As they are laughing, SAM HELL dumps the Gatorade over ICHABOD.
We should all feel robbed, having been denied this epic moment of cinematic history. Just imagine how much better Dead Camper Lake would be if it featured such a timeless moment of inexplicable late-90s swing music revival.
Dance on, Earthwalker. Dance on.